no. 26

I've been trying to flush this cold out of my system so I am drinking liter after liter of water, and then some cups of tea. It will be good for me, even if it doesn't rinse me of this sickness.
I am getting really excited about my ukulele. I am going to bring it with me everywhere and play it constantly. I hope that I can get Antoine to learn to play or something. It could be totally cute.
I have been thinking a lot about what things will be like in the States after I move back. I think I'm going to get accustomed to saying "merci" instead of "thank you" and looking everyone in the eyes when there is a toast (seven years of bad sex!) I am going to hate not having 2 hours for lunch and not having raclette available at a grocery store. I am getting nervous about coming back to the States. I don't want to but then again I do. Fuck. So confusing.
On the other hand, I'm about to pass out.
I'm going to Gex tomorrow after Michele and Antoine leave for St. Maurice Island. Kelly is finally moving to a family that won't starve her and we're going to play Amy Winehands (get it!?) and watch Mean Girls. I am staying in Lausanne on Sunday night at Monika's, which is really nice of her to do. I need to pack everything up tomorrow or Sunday. This is me falling asleep on my keyboard.
I hope you get back from wherever you're at... it's lonely here without you...

no. 25

So I've been getting over a pretty wicked cold recently. That's why I'm awake right now, actually. I can't seem to fall asleep when I feel like I have a boulder stuck in my throat.
Anyway, I am now 20 years old. It feels pretty strange to be that age. I am no longer a teenager. 20 automatically seems a lot more "mature" than 19. I think it's because 19 ends with the word "teen". Anyway, it was a good birthday. I talked to Eron for awhile and I talked to my grandmother. She is still in rehab from her knee surgery; I guess she has to be there for another two weeks. She sounded like she was about to cry and she was practically begging for me to move down to Louisville before October of next year. And just so you all know, I plan on making that happen.
I am meeting my mother in Paris on Monday, and that will begin our two week tour of France and Italy. Well, really just Paris, Venice, and Florence but either way. I am really excited about this. I miss my mom terribly and I can't wait to see her. I am 99% sure it's going to be pretty emotional. Oh well. I am just going to be so happy. I definitely need to talk to her about a few things that are pretty important to me.
I don't know what else to say, really. I'm definitely ready for this little two week vacation to start. I guess my mom decided to bring my ukulele with her (WIN) and that makes me really pumped. Pretty soon I can waste my time / annoy my neighbors by playing the uke rather than YouTube videos. My weeknight life is so interesting, no? Oh and I would also like to mention that I played Erin's little blue ukulele this weekend and I was able to play Bflat. What the hell. I practice that shit for hours on end and then I don't play anymore, and once I pick it up again it's like bam! Congrats, Cara! You can play Bflat now! It's like fucking magic.
Seeing as I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours, I decided to drink a glass of wine to see if that would zonk me out. It's doing the job, and it's also making my throat feel a little better. My working fridge (woooo) really keeps things ice cold. Righteous.

Oh, earlier today I was wondering whether the springtime in the Alps will be as pretty as springtime in Kentucky. Because honestly, nothing beats the little pink flowers on practically every tree in the Highlands. I long to be there now.

no. 24

So the highlight of my day yesterday was getting a working fridge in my apartment. You have no idea how happy it made me. Hahah. That's so pathetic sounding... a fridge that does its job makes me extremely happy. Oh well, I got to enjoy a glass of cold wine in my apartment for the first time in 4 months. Woop woop.
Either way, I'm writing this while finishing my tea. I am going to do a quick clean of my apartment and then head to the family's house.
It's crazy to think that I'm going to be 20 on Monday. It doesn't really feel like it's going to be my birthday. It really snuck up on me this time. I kind of forgot about it until a few weeks ago. I'm really excited to go out in Geneva and in Lyon this weekend. It'll be really fun to have everyone together again.
I'm extremely excited for my mom to come visit me in less than two weeks. I can't wait. I miss her a lot. It'll be really nice to chat like we always do. Plus, it'll be hilarious going on that bike tour in Tuscany. Speaking of, I seriously need to get my camera fixed. (Writing that in my Moleskine planner now...)
Anyway, I am sending in my absentee ballot thing next week Tuesday probably. I'm also going to send out yet another flock of postcards, Micaela's package, and probably some chocolate and a postcard to Jacob. Michaela already got her postcard so I'm expecting Patzke and Eron to get theirs soon too. I should practice how to speak in French when I'm at the poste. Oh, and that reminds me that I start classes November 10th. I am really pumped for those. I want to be fluent like ASAP. I decided the other day that when I get older and if I have kids, they're all going to be bilingual. I am going to speak French with them and they have to speak French with me. Then when they're in high school or middle school or something, they can learn another language if they want. It'll be really good for them just in general and also they'll be able to learn other latin-based languages a lot easier.
Anyway, time to vaccuum.
PS: Kings of Leon's "Aha Shake Heartbreak" album is down right amazing. It never gets old, ever.

no. 23

Everything is falling apart. Both literally and non.
Last night, I thought something was living under my kitchen. I was too scared to open the cabinet. Eventually everything got quiet and it was no big deal. But, this morning, I opened my fridge to get sirop, and what do you know! My fridge was warmer than it was in my apartment. Fuck me, right?
I need to clean this beast and get organized. I also need to tell Michele that my fridge broke down. I also still need to get a garbage can that isn't just strapping a garbage bag to the back of my cabinet door under the sink. (That's broken, too... but I can manage to make the rubber thing stay.)

In other news, after more than three years, I'm still madly in love with Sam Brown and his heart-wrenching comics at explodingdog.com...

"We fell in love, and the next day he was gone forever."

no. 22

"I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption, endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our love, neither in the village nor anywhere else; and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow, where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps, and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us any more."
-Franz Kafka

no. 21

All I can really say right now is, "Well, fuck me."
The way that the economy is going is really, really scaring me. My parents just lost a big account at their office and there is no work coming in. It's serious business and it isn't pretty. Economies all around Switzerland are going down the drain or are in recession now (France, Germany, Italy...) and America is really pretty shitty too.
Oh, and Michèle freaked on me tonight for forgetting a half a load of laundry in the wash. I would go on, but I'm not going to. All I'm going to say is that I am frustrated/upset/slightly angry/nervous/not happy with the past few days. I feel like I want to crawl in my bed and not move until my mom comes. I want to run and hide away somewhere other than here. I could go hide away in Italy. I could volunteer in Geneva. I could do a lot of things. But I always run, I know this. I admit to this. This is a fault of mine. I need to stand up and actually talk about all of this. That's so hard for me to do, though. It would require so much self "cheerleading".
I want my mom to be here. Ugh. That's the only word I can use for how I feel. Ugh.
Instead, I'll listen to the Beatles and try not to be scared by the shit that is moving under my kitchen sink. I am having thoughts about opening that door because I'm pretty sure it might be a mouse. Just, someone, steal me away from this shit. It sucks that a decent day turned into a really pretty terrible night.

no. 20

Being far away from the person you would never want to be far away from is the worst.
It's like there is a rope between the two of you, and there is some really cruel character with a handsaw and day by day he puts a little more pressure on the rope. That's all it feels like. It sucks, that's it. It takes it's toll on you and you don't know when it's going to stop, because eventually it does. And it may not be the prettiest sight.
I'm just looking for a little sense of where you are on this. But god knows (uh), I am incapable of getting the guts to actually ask for some clarity.

On a different yet somehow related note, I was in Geneva and around the UN and Red Cross and World Health Organization and etc. It was really moving just to be around that stuff. I walked past a refugee camp today and I realized that I need to do something. I have been thinking maybe I should try to work for the UN or WHO or something. Maybe I can be an ambassador or consulate something, but that would require me dealing with, and being associated with, the American government... which might not be all that safe/smart/good in the coming years. Who knows. I want to go back to the States because I miss my family and I feel like going to Louisville is what I need to do. My grandmother had surgery on her knee recently and I have been missing her a lot. I want to be able to visit her in the hospital. I want to be able to help her when she is back at her house. After she is done healing, I want to be able to come over for laundry, dinner, and conversation. There is so much I want to know. But at the same time, I don't ever want to leave Europe. The lifestyles here suit me much more than in the States. Everything is so much more inspiring, beautiful, interesting, everything.

I need to start writing my thoughts down on paper. I need to start focusing on what is to come after this year. I have time, I know this well. But I need to brainstorm.
"What if your love is not the same as it seems inside my brain?"