no. 20

Being far away from the person you would never want to be far away from is the worst.
It's like there is a rope between the two of you, and there is some really cruel character with a handsaw and day by day he puts a little more pressure on the rope. That's all it feels like. It sucks, that's it. It takes it's toll on you and you don't know when it's going to stop, because eventually it does. And it may not be the prettiest sight.
I'm just looking for a little sense of where you are on this. But god knows (uh), I am incapable of getting the guts to actually ask for some clarity.

On a different yet somehow related note, I was in Geneva and around the UN and Red Cross and World Health Organization and etc. It was really moving just to be around that stuff. I walked past a refugee camp today and I realized that I need to do something. I have been thinking maybe I should try to work for the UN or WHO or something. Maybe I can be an ambassador or consulate something, but that would require me dealing with, and being associated with, the American government... which might not be all that safe/smart/good in the coming years. Who knows. I want to go back to the States because I miss my family and I feel like going to Louisville is what I need to do. My grandmother had surgery on her knee recently and I have been missing her a lot. I want to be able to visit her in the hospital. I want to be able to help her when she is back at her house. After she is done healing, I want to be able to come over for laundry, dinner, and conversation. There is so much I want to know. But at the same time, I don't ever want to leave Europe. The lifestyles here suit me much more than in the States. Everything is so much more inspiring, beautiful, interesting, everything.

I need to start writing my thoughts down on paper. I need to start focusing on what is to come after this year. I have time, I know this well. But I need to brainstorm.
"What if your love is not the same as it seems inside my brain?"