no. 32

The theme behind this post is "Change."
No, I'm not talking President Elect Obama... but that is some awesome change that definitely needed to come to America. Instead, I'm talking about a personal change within myself.
Last week, I came to the realization that I just turned 20. I know, a few weeks late. But really the realization wasn't that I was 20 years old, I had just realized that, "holy shit, I'm not a teenager. I'm TWENTY. I don't feel twenty..." So suppose that there are two parts of aging. One being the physical, real change that your body goes through. The other being your mind.
My revelation is that I need to start caring like I'm twenty. I realized that I am lazy about getting ready and taking care of myself. Realizing that made me feel 100% frumpy. So, now I'm going to give myself a makeover. I am getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. I am in the process of completely revamping my wardrobe. I found myself looking at heels online, completely terrified, forcing myself to think, "Well, those don't look that hard to walk in. I could definitely do it."
I'm also really starting to contemplate the decision I have to make by February next year. Where will I go? What will I do? Do I go back to uni? If so, what for? Will I really be able to find a job in this economy? The list of questions seems never ending. Right now, what I'm banking on, is going back to school at University of Louisville for a double major in English and French. I will get an apartment, either by myself or with someone else, and I will get a kitten. By doing this, I would need to take out a student loan. By taking out a student loan, I will give myself a reason to do well. (Because I'm fucking paying for it.) I am going to Louisville because that is where my family is and where my heart-roots are planted. I'm at a time in my life where I need to take in everything my grandmother has to say before it's too late.
After I get degrees, who knows what I'll be doing. Who knows if that's what I'll even be studying. I suppose no one really ever knows what exactly will happen next, but the point is to have confidence in something so you have a pretty good chance of getting it done.
I need to have confidence in myself. I need to realize that I can do this. Yeah, it'll be hard. I'll probably want to drop out again. But the most important thing I need to do is take myself seriously.